Ten Thieves of Your Joy

Lets unmask these 10 thieves so they don’t rob you of your joy!

1. Comparing yourself to someone else- As humans, we are hardwired to compare ourselves to others. This feature is working as designed when we compare ourselves to develop an understanding of who we are, what we are good at and what we are not good at. If you use comparison as a way of measuring your personal development or to motivate yourself to improve and develop a more positive self-image, then comparing yourself can be beneficial. But there are dangers in making comparisons. Comparisons are made either upward (people doing better than you) or downward (people doing worse than you), it can promote judgmental, biased, and overly competitive or superior attitudes. It can fuel negative thoughts, criticism, jealousy, and discontentment. So, if you’re going to compare yourself to someone else, don’t dwell or obsess. Notice and move forward. The most important comparison you will make is you vs. you. Are you doing better today than you were yesterday? Last month? Last year? There is no one else in the world like you. You are special and unique and that is your superpower!

2. Not communicating your boundaries- In the book “Boundaries,” Cloud & Townsend (1992) define the term boundaries as a property line that indicates the things we are each responsible for. Some basic examples include: your feelings, your behaviors, how you speak to or treat others, your triggers, your wants, your needs, etc. Boundaries can also be restrictions, “I don’t like to be touched that way,” or permissive, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge, our house is your house.” Without healthy boundaries, relationships will suffer. Communicating your boundaries teaches people how you expect to be treated, because whether you realize it or not, you teach people how to treat you daily by what you allow or disallow. Not communicating your boundaries will suck the joy out of your life. People aren’t mind readers, so communicate your boundaries, but do so with respect.

3. Ruminating on the past- Fixating on a past life event anchors you to the past, making it impossible to move forward. You want to create something new, but you’re focused on something that happened last week, last month or 10 years ago. You’re literally living in the past hoping to create a new dream today. Not only will you not be emotionally present to create your new dream, but the joy you long for will elude you. Studies show that a persistent focus on negative thoughts amplifies your problems and can increase your cortisol levels and trigger a stress response in the body.

4. Listening to negativity- You are affected by other people’s energy for better or worse. You can have the perfect day, be in the best mood, then head home to a spouse who had a crummy day and is complaining about everyone and everything and if you don’t change the conversation or leave the room, your mood will soon crash, and your joy will flee. Research shows that highly negative people are more likely to suffer from degenerative brain diseases, gut problems, cardiovascular issues and recover from illness slower than people with a positive mindset. A body in a chronic state of “dis-ease” creates optimal conditions for “disease.”

5. Ungratefulness- Have you ever been on the receiving end of ingratitude? It looks like a friend/family member who shows no reaction to a gift you spent hours selecting for them. It looks like never hearing “thank you” for all the good you give to those around you, it looks like a boss who never notices when you exceed work expectations. It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of ingratitude. But when you’re the ungrateful one, please understand that nothing will catapult you faster into a state of “lack” with a focus on “what’s missing” and an attitude of “entitlement” than being ungrateful. When we fail to give thanks for the blessings in our lives, we become defined by scarcity and lack, and joy leaves the building. Express gratitude today for the simple things: warmth of the sun, the clean water you are drinking, the air you are breathing, or the fact that you are alive.

6. Holding grudges- Grudges develop when you don’t properly process a negative event. You dwell on the problem, replay various scenarios in your head and retell your version of what happened repeatedly to anyone who will listen. Over time, if you don’t forgive and move forward, bitterness and resentment take root, and this can become corrosive to your mental and physical health. Remember, a body in a chronic state of “dis-ease” creates optimal conditions for “disease.” Holding a grudge reignites the anger and keeps the story alive in your mind and body. You might feel justified in holding that grudge and the incident might even be “unforgiveable,” in your opinion, but holding the grudge is more damaging to your body than letting it go and moving forward and it certainly steals your joy!

7. Only focusing on yourself- Anxiety, depression and daily stress involve a high degree of focusing on yourself.  When you help someone else, it shifts your thinking from self to others. When you experience the positive thoughts that come with focusing on the needs of others, you experience compassion, kindness, and goodness. Your negative emotions are not as prominent and you’re more apt to experience joy.

8. Worrying- Most people worry because they don’t feel they have control over a given situation and somehow the act of worrying gives them a modicum of control. Nothing could be further from the truth, worrying subtracts from your life, you lose peace, hope, faith and most likely- sleep. Worry gives way to catastrophizing and mentally rehearsing worst case scenario. Worry robs today of its joy, and you will never add a single minute to your life.

9. Too much time on social media – I think most people will agree spending too much time on social media will suck the joy in life right out of your soul. Scrolling mindlessly is not only a time waster, but it also increases negative emotions. The pictures you see on social media do not represent a person’s entire life; they represent moments in time. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had with people who think smiling photos on Instagram means everyone around them is happy and winning while they are drowning in misery and despair. People only show you what they want you to see on those platforms. Another pitfall of social media is that is breeds keyboard warriors. People gain a lot of confidence behind the keyboard, and they post a slew of passive aggressive status’, things they would otherwise never say in person or they write a dissertation about all the great things they’re doing. Super, I’m happy you’re happy but I’m not taking the 5 minutes to read that status! Facebook reports the average reader spends 1.7-2.5 seconds reading a status anyway. Getting “likes’ on social media creates a dopamine rush and a false sense of happiness. If you woke up today and you like you, then all the likes on social media are just extra. Always remember, human beings lived happily for centuries without these platforms!

10. Trying to be perfect- It’s okay to have high standards and want to do well and give your best, but when you associate your value and worth with your performance, you are moving into the realm of perfectionism. Perfectionism is futile because no one is perfect, all humans have limits, and no one is great all the time. Falling into the perfectionism trap will drain you and leave you even more unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and stuck because it doesn’t allow for failure. The issue with failure is not a matter of “if” but “when.” Failure is imminent and those with high standards know this, but they don’t allow failure to have the last word. They learn from their mistakes, use them as an opportunity and move forward.

If you struggle with any of these thieves, reach out and let’s talk about how I might be able to help.